The creative product of author Gabi Goffman.

Alligator in the Subway
by Gabi Goffman

You are now entering the world of the alligators, the alligators of Jeff McSwiffy’s Alligator Farm in Jacksonville, Florida.
“Hey!  Lookit—the human stuck his hand in my mouth,” Jake the Gator cried.
“Yeah, he did it to me yesterday,” sighed Allie the Alligator.
“You, too?”
“It’s your turn to dance, bud.”
“I can’t dance today—my nose is tooooooooo….green.”
    “Stop wondering about your nose, buddy, and get back to work.  You’re lucky.  My nose is toooooo….blue.”
“Hey!  You told me to stop, so you should stop too.”
“What do you care about your nose?  You’re a boy!”
“Boys care about things too, you know.  Like I care that I have to go on next for you.”
“Thank you!”
And so the alligators danced, they pranced, they leaped, they hopped—they practically did anything to get their food—tasty fish.  In fact, the gators loved fish so much that they loved to sing their hearts out when no one could hear:  “Fish.  Fish.  And nothing but fish.  Green fish, red fish, purple fish, and blue fish.  This fish, that fish, all fish is good fish.  So honey?  Just eat your fish.”
After the show, an old man with purple hair and a pink suit named Izzy Daily approached the owner of the alligator farm.
“Jeff, I’ve been hearing that your alligators are the most trained in the whole state, and now that I’ve seen the show, I know it’s true.  So I want you and your gators to come up to New York City and perform at the National Theater of Fine Animals.”
One of the baby alligators overheard this conversation and ran to the Head Gator, Maximus.
“We won’t go to New York without a fight,” said the Great Maximus.
“Why would we want to leave our home to go to New York and probably miss breakfast?” asked another gator, Marie.
But Jeff McSwiffy wanted to go.  He dropped a huge cage on the alligators and didn’t feed them breakfast until the gators agreed to go to this…New York.
The gators packed up all their belongings and left.
On January 27 at 8:45 A.M., their plane took off at the speed of light.  The plane whooshed so fast that all the sodas spilled on the gators.  Besides that, it was a wonderful flight.  They watched The Devil Wears Prada and Mean Girls.  Another great thing about the trip was that no one wanted to sit next to the alligators, so they got the whole first class row.
But when the gators landed, it didn’t go so well.  When they got to the hotel, fifteen minutes after they landed (at approximately 12:45), the alligators looked pink.
McSwiffy took his gators to the doctor.
“It’s a mere breakout due to soda.  Who knew that gators were allergic to soda?” Dr. DeHaddopod cried.  “The only way to cure it is stick your hand in their mouths and drop a huge vitamin down their throats.  P.S.  Alligators hate people sticking their hands in their mouths.”
So when they returned to the hotel, it was luckily a good time for McSwiffy to stick his hand down the alligators’ mouths.  It was right before pro-baseball and after lunch, when the gators were scratching their heads.
But then, McSwiffy was right about to drop a vitamin in one of his gator’s mouths when the alligators all yelled, “FISH!”
Who knew a gator could smell a fish from the 57th floor of a skyscraper?
So, the gators went to the elevator and waited patiently for 5.3 seconds.  When the elevator didn’t come, they decided it was time to climb.  So they jumped out the window and climbed down the wall.  Of course, all the people in New York thought it was a new reality show called Skyscraping Alligators.
As the gators rushed down the side of the building, they saw the one, the only…Fergalicious!  Selling hot dogs?
They found out she was on the new reality show Celebrity Apprentice: Sell a Hot Dog for $10,000.
“Oh my gosh!  Oh my gosh!  It’s like…Fergalicious!” the gators cried.
Who knew that Fergalicious was a fan of the alligators, too?  She has been to the gator show in Jacksonville 29 times.  So, she offered to introduce the gators to all the celebrities on the show.
So first, they saw Kiss.  And after, Jamie Lyn Spears.  And then the one, the only…David Beckham.  The gators had never seen a pro soccer player before.  Actually, they had never seen anyone famous before.  But now was their chance.
As soon as you could wink, they were in a Los Angeles stadium playing against the Los Angeles Soccer Team.  It was a wonderful match.  Unfortunately, there was a loser: the Los Angeles Soccer Team had lost for the first time: 57:1.  It was a tragic night for the Los Angelo fans.  But now, there was a new team:  The Alligator Gladiators.
David Beckham asked them to stay, but they had to go.  They still had to find that fish.  The gators flew back to New York, and the ride back was a bumpy one, but they still hadn’t found what they wanted:  a pile of fish.  They aimlessly walked around New York City, begging for fish.
Then, they saw a sign that said, “FISH!  GET YOUR FREE FISH!”
They walked up, only to find that the fish was sold out.  Two teenagers had bought the last packet of fish.  Well, there was a packet of salmon, but everyone knows that every alligator hates salmon.  They walked aimlessly for days looking for their fishy treat.  But then, they saw it in the gutter at 59th Street—a package of fish!  They crawled down the gutter and swam to the ocean where there was a fish buffet.  They ate their fill, but the only problem was…SHARK!
Luckily for them, there was a whirlpool, and because sharks are much dumber than alligators, the gators tricked the sharks into swimming into it.  Then, the gators swam away before any more sharks came.
Trying to avoid the waves that were rushing against them, they swam through the gutter and back through the drainage.  They missed their gutter opening, but luckily for them, there was another gutter opening a block away.  They swam and swam, then climbed out with five minutes to spare before their show.
They stood in front of the theater, and what was there but a fish stand!  There was tuna, halibut, salmon, and lots of other fish.  McSwiffy ran out and rushed his gators backstage.  The show went so well that the gators were invited to return every month.  It went so well that they even got five encores and roses on the stage.
“Everyone knows we would have preferred fish, but roses are good, too,” sighed Maximus.  “Look!  It’s our owner!”
The gators ran towards McSwiffy apologizing and begging for forgiveness that they had disappeared.
“What is there to forgive?” asked McSwiffy.  “The show went so well.”  But all the time, McSwiffy was wondering how the alligators had gotten to the theater, and what had happened that day.
So the gators returned home, and now, they did know movie stars—themselves, and their friends.  Now, no one is afraid to sit next to them—afraid or ashamed.  And whatever you do, just remember—any fish is good fish, even salmon.



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